ASP 1
by Jonn Wood
Summary: When the Titans are threatened by a Mary Sue, who can save them? Why, only a member of the AntiSue Police, of course!
1. Chapter 1

It was a mark of his experience as a geek that Jonn did not flinch when he was found himself, rather abruptly, in a dark room with an unseen spotlight shining down on him. After all, he had always _expected_ this kind of thing to happen, someday. 

"Hello?" he said, peering into the darkness. "Anyone?"

There was an overly theatrical _thoom_ as a bank of lights lit up around the circular room, partially revealing the dozens of people sitting behind curved desks, all deadly silent and staring at him. After a few seconds, one spoke.

Jonathan "Jonn" Wood, alias "mcity", alias "deepq", alias "OCP: the occasional pundit".

"Guilty as charged," said Jonn jauntily, exactly as protagonists were supposed to do in this situation. "If it's not too much trouble, might I impose upon your majesties to tell me what I'm doing here?"

The strawberry-blonde woman who had addressed him smiled. "Mr. Wood, you have been recruited for a very special oppurtunity. To put it bluntly, we are the people who hunt down Mary Sues. Or, rather, the commanding officers."

"I've heard of you," replied Jonn. "Tviokh in _Harry Potter_ and ShadowSlayer21 in _Pirates of the Carribean_, right?"

"Correct," said another, this one a grey-bearded, middle-aged man. "But those, while successful, were just small scale prototypes. What we need is, well, a police force. The Anti-Sue Police. ASP."

"Nice name."

"Thank you. If you choose to join this force, you will recieve, after training and a test mission, advanced anti-Sue weaponry, and full access to our media library, as well as a badge and a cool uniform. You will also be returned to whatever you would have been doing if not interuppted, a robotic doppleganger having taken your place while you were gone.

"Wait, how can I go on missions. We're talking, with the exception of possibly a _Seabiscuit_ Sue, about _fiction_ here. It does not exist."

A man in a dark suit, dark glasses, and a bad haircut smiled tightly. "Allow me to inform you, Mr. Wood," he said in a voice like oil dripping down the gears of a clock, "that the power of many, many people suspending disbelief can produce dramatic results. When you watched 'Peter Pan', did you clap your hands?"

Jonn grinned, ducking his head to keep the silent ranks from seeing his burning cheeks; he had indeed.

"My point being that all you need to do is _pretend_ what you are doing is real. Once you begin to slip, you loose any effectiveness you may have had to this organization." The man behind the voice grinned unnaturally. "In a manner of speaking, free your mind."

"Got it. Anything else I should know?"

A spotlight came up on a small table, and Jonn walked over to it. "You will recieve the standard issue cadet loadout; one standard uniform: in black and blue, your favorite colors; one pair of standard issue "Knuckleduster" anti-Sue stunblasters and melee weapons. Oh, and a cadet-level badge."

"What, exactly, am I fighting to destroy?" asked Jonn, strapping on the blasters. "I mean, most Sues are twinked-out, godmoding, impossible to kill, canon-warping figments of some twisted Suethour's imagination. How can I kill them?"

"They need not be killed, simply defeated. All you need to do is find their Achilles Heel, what makes someone, somewhere, decide to insert themselves into the canon, and distort it past nearly all recognition. This is represented by an object, usually hidden on a Sue's person or nearby. Desire for escapism would be represented by a twenty-sided die. Inability to make up anything original would be a dry, hardened paintbrush. Someone as smart as you should be able to find and recognize it easily."

Jonn preened.

"Your first assignment will be in a fandom you are very familiar with. Good luck."

"What fandom would that be?" said Jonn, as three rings of light dropped from nowhere around his body. He heard, faintly, the strains of slightly obnoxious Japanese synthpop.

"You have got to be f-"

And then he disappeared.


	2. Chapter 2

The rings deposited Jonn on an island off of what he recognized as Jump City, though it had never been identified as such in the cartoon. In accordance with the rules of that particular Canon, he was now cel-shaded.

"Sweet!"

His badge beeped. Taking it out of the pocket of his uniform-when did he put _that_ on?-he pressed the little catch at the bottom, and it clamshelled open into a communicator.

"Nice."

"Cadet Wood, your objective is the large tower, shaped like a 'T', in front of you," said the geeky-looking redhead onscreen. "My name is Caina. I'll be providing technical and logistical support on this mission. If you need me, just look in the address book. Oh, and I suggest you learn how to use this communicator's 'tricorder' mode."

"Roger that, Echo leader. Am proceding to target."

"What?"

"Never mind. Wood, out." _Click_.

As Jonn made his way up to the Tower, he realized that it should be locked tighter than Robin's pants. Hopefully, the Sue should've screwed everything up enough for Cyborg to forget to...Nope. Looked like he'd be needing that technical assistance sooner than he thought.

"Wood to Support, Wood to Support, come in."

"That was fast," said Caina with unecessary smugness.

"Shut up. The tower is locked. Can you hack the system?"

"Put the badge on the palm scanner." Jonn did so, and after a few seconds the doors opened.

"Thanks," said Jonn, pinning the badge to his shirt.

"No sweat. I also got you all access to the rest of the Tower, and downloaded a map. Feel free to call me when you have something _challenging_." There was a hint of condescencion in her voice, but Jonn ignored it and sprinted for the elevator.

* * *

This was the greatest challenge the Titans had ever faced.Bigger than Slade, bigger than Blood, bigger than Scath, bigger than even the Brotherhood.

Some gothy girl had walked straight through the Tower's security, walked up to Robin, and made him utterly OOC. Now they were in the girl's room, previously been an unoccupied storeroom, making baby talk and lots and lots of slurping noises.

Jonn dove out of the elevator, rolled, and somehow managed burst through the sliding doors into the Tower's living room/dining room/kitchen, blaster at the ready, aimed at...nothing. Beast Boy and Cyborg were staring aimlessly at a static-filled screen, Raven was meditating angrily, and Starfire was sniffling in a corner.

"Um, hello?" said Jonn, holstering his weapon. "Mysterious intruder just bypassed your security systems and burst into your stronghold waving a gun around. Titans Go! and that stuff? Yarr? I am in your base, destroying your mans?"

"What's the point?" said Cyborg woodenly."We can't do anything with Robin like that. He's not himself. It's like Slade's blackmailing him again, but without the blackmail."

"Yeah, dude," added Beast Boy. "We need him, he's our leader. We need to figure out what's making him that way, and how to stop it."

"Did a girl with streaked hair appear out of nowhere, bypass your defenses, and make Robin fall in love with her for no reason whatsoever?"

Everybody turned to stare at him, except Starfire, who began to wail.

"Yeah," said BB. "How did you-"

"My name is Jonn, I'm a human being, and I'm here to help you."

For the first time since he had gotten there, he saw hope in their eyes.  



	3. Chapter 3

  
The first order of business, Jonn realized, was to restore morale. To that end, he walked over to the weeping Starfire and asked "Are you okay?"

"No, I am not. Robin has been taken over by that _gunthar ingethol_, and I wonder if he will ever be 'okay' again."

This wouldn't do. If he was going to defeat the Sue, he would need the Titans' help. For their help, he needed them in good condition, physically and otherwise.

"Listen," he said, pulling Starfire to her feet, "I know it seems dark as the night wears on, but things are always darkest before the dawn. You might feel like you're at the end of your rope, but y'don't, y'don't, y'don't give up hope now. Lean on me, when you're not strong, and I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on. For, it won't be long, 'fore I'm gonna need, somebody to leeean on."

BB and Cyborg were snickering. Good.

"Really?" said Star, subsiding to sniffles again.   
"Really."

Starfire hugged him. Jonn returned the hug awkwardly, fully aware that he was holding six feet of warm, soft, nice-smelling, emotionally vunerable Hot Alien Girl in his arms, and that she belonged to some other dude. He released her before she though he was issuing the Morpohkian Trouser Snake Deathmatch Challenge or something, and crossed over to Raven, which did not help matters much.

"How's his mind?" he asked.

"I can't get through. It's like there's something controlling it."

"As expected. What we need to do is-"

He was interrupted by a familar klaxon. Raven's cloak flapped, and she teleported them all to the site of the trouble.

"I feel dirty," muttered Jonn, and looked around. It seemed Cinderblock had slipped out through the revolving door again. He stepped back and waited for the mighty Teen Titans to attack, until he realized that they were all looking at him.

"What, _me_? Um...Raven, Star, you attack him from the air. Be sure to stay out of swatting distance, and watch out for him to thowing anything at you. BB, Cyborg, you attack him from the ground. He can't fight you two and the girls at the same time. Hit him hard, hit him fast, and hit him with everything. I'll provide cover fire."

"With those little peashooters?" said Cyborg disdainfully. "That's not a cannon. _This_"-and his right arm morhed into the sonic cannon loved by millions-"is a cannon."

"Very funny. Titans, _GO!_"

* * *

After Cinderblock was hauled off to jail, muttering something about those "pesky Titans" and "their little references too", the team regrouped outside of the Sue's room.

"Alomohora Serenity Amethyst Elfzephyr" read Beast Boy, peering at the door. "Wait, who stenciled that? And how is it possible to have _black_ glitter?"

"We need to get our girl out of there," said Jonn, "so we can search the room for her weakness, whatever it is."

"How do we do that?" said Cyborg. "I've already tried getting in. She's locked everyone out but herself and Robin. And none of us can get through, either. She's even blocking Raven's teleport."

"We don't need to get us in, we need to get her out." Jonn looked at the Titans slyly. "Can any of you cook?"

* * *

There was a knock at the door of the Sue's room. "Dinnertime," Jonn called.

The Sue stuck her head out of her room, and Jonn managed not to flinch. She was a black clad, red-streaked, and no doubt popular-girl hating mass of darkness. Such were the chill waves of wangst rolling off her that Jonn found himself wanting to spike his hair, paint his nails black, cut his arms with safety pins, and listen to Evanescence. And he would have, if he wasn't a nappy-haired Black guy, couldnt stand the smell of nail polish, scarred like crazy, and listened to Evanescence already. Besides, he had a job to do.

"Good evening miss-" he began, plastering on a fake smile. The girl cut him off.

"What to you want?" she snapped, her eyes changing from blue to violet with suspicion. "We were just discussing the deep literary symbolism in Anne Rice's _Lasher_.

"To celebrate your arrival, I and the other Titans have prepared a romantic dinner for you and your-" wink, wink, nudge, nudge- "fiance, on the rooftop, with a beautiful view of the sunset."

The Sue's eyes widened and changed to a glowing gold with joy. "Oh, did you hear that Robbie-Poo? Dinner on the rooftoop! We must go now!" She reached in, grabbed Robin by the arm, and sped off to roof.

_She even left the trail of dust,_ Jonn noted dispassionately. He slipped inside the room before the door closed.

Up on the rooftop, the Titans were serving up strawberries and whipped cream. Beast Boy had though they should go with clam chowder and a lobster bisque, but Jonn had said, no, whipped cream and strawberries. And a banana split. And a sundae with two straws. And nachos with pepperjack cheese. Starfire had drawn the short straw, so she got to be the waitress. Right now, the girl was yakking at her about how much she hated girls who were boy-crazy and concerned with appearance. The ones the boys went crazy over, who had done half the football team. Starfire wasn't one of _those_, was she? Was she? Huh? Was she?

Someone listening closely might have heard a snap.

Star's eyes glowed, and she unleashed a fury-fueled Starbolt at the Sue, point blank, with her best battle-cry. There was a small explosion.

When the smoke cleared, the Sue, Robin, and the dinner table were unharmed. By contrast, Starfire had lost half of her clothes. The Sue waved the last wisps away. "My, these candles are _smoky_, don't you think, darling?"

Starfire retreated hastily to the makeshift desert table, where her fellow Titans hastily clothed her in a spare chef's outfit.

"I don't understand," she whispered. "Why did my Starbolt have no effect?"

"Because she's invunerable, like that guy said," said Cyborg. "To harm her, we need to destroy her Achilles heel.That's what he's looking for down there."

Starfire glanced at Robin. His head was at an angle, his mouth was open, and drool was running down his chin.

"I hope he finds it soon," she said softly.

* * *

What Jonn _had_ found was a ridiculously large amount of pewter miniatures, including Harry Potter, St. George, and oddly enough, Cillian Murphy. The bookshelf was crammed full of vampire and fantasy novels, the closet was crammed full of dark clothes-with a few hats on the shelf-, the CD case was crammed with Linkin Park, Evanescence, Good Charlotte, Simple Plan, and My Chemical Romance, the walls were crammed with band posters, and floor was crammed with black candles in antique holders. All in all, the room would've made even Raven feel depressed. The only concession to reality was an iPod, also black, oddly crammed full of Disney Channel original music and KidsBOP remixes. Jonn swung it idly on its cord while he listened to the Cheetah Girls.

_I don't wanna be/your Cinderella..._

The problem, he admitted to himself, what that he had no idea where to start looking. The Sue could be powered by a page in one of the books, or an article of clothing, or even by one of the candles. There were just too many options.

_Waitin' for somebody/to come and set me free..._

Of course, it was also entirely possible that the Sue was carrying the object, whatever it was, on her person.

_And my knight/in shining armour/is me..._

"Of course," whispered Jonn. He reached for the dresser, grabbed one of the figurines, and headed for the roof.

* * *

By now, the happy couple had reached the nachos. In clear defiance of several laws of human physiology, they were now eating the little salsa-dipped triangles after a series of heavy deserts. Not only were they eating them, they were feeting them to each other, while making baby talk. It was disgusting. Beast Boy and Cyborg were probably off mexican food forever. Thankfully for everyone's sanity, this was when Jonn burst onto the roof.

"Oh, _there_ you are," said the Sue. "We're almost out of nachos. And _he_-"waving at Cyborg-"said that you told him to tell me that you were a crossover character from _Justice League_, but that's impossible because this show is in a seperate continuity fro-"

"Game over," said Jonn, cutting her off. He held up the little figurine of St. George. The Sue froze on mid _you can't talk to me like that, I'm Alomohora Serenity Amethyst Elfzephyr_ and stared at Jonn. Her eyes turned green with fear. Her perfect hair stirred perfectly in the light breeze. Robin drooled a little.

"I figured it out. The music, the whole 'dark' attitude, the kids songs? That's all you are, really, just a scared little girl looking for a knight in shining armour." Jonn nodded towards Robin. "Or in this case, shining tights. And you know what? You can't escape into fiction; you have to deal with your own problems. You have feet; get up and _WALK!_"

And with that, he threw the figurine down and fired on it. It exploded obligingly.

For a moment, the Sue mouthed _you can't_, before exploding into a riot of blue light, ripping apart the lies she had cloaked herself with. For an instant, shading his eyes, Jonn could see a regular girl, one tear rolling down her cheek, her shoulders heaving. Then she was gone.

Silence.

"_Dude_," said Beast Boy.

There was a retching noise.

Without the Sue cushioning his stomach, Robin had had to make a run for the side of the rooftop, and was leaning over with the dry heaves. He used a BirdKerchief™ to wipe his face off, then looked up instants before he was assault-hugged by Starfire.

"Robin!" she cried joyfully. "You are unharmed! Let us snog in celebration!"

Jonn snorted. Apparently, Star had been reading _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince_. He turned to the other Titans.

"Is there...anyway we can repay you?" asked Raven.

"Just let me keep this iPod, citizen" He flipped out his BadgeCom. "Wood to base. Mission complete. One to beam up."

"You're really _enjoying_ this, aren't you?" said Caina bemusedly.

Jonn grinned, just before the rings dropped out of nowhere. "Who wouldn't?"

* * *

**A/N**And that's the Titans for now. Later in his career, Jonn will return, but for now, he's moving on to Danny Phantom. 


End file.
